I've been delaying this post for quite some time now. I had the revelation or some kind of self-realization moment for a month and a half already. Before that period, I was so wrapped up in the 'leading a double-life' period and pursuing that 'other' life, companionship and all that shit. But, that one month and a half earlier, I've finally stopped pegging all my hopes up and just let it all go.
I've always have this kind of morbid persona where I'm constantly envious of people with relationship. I am full of green when I see people who are in a loving relationship, all sweet and full of love. It doesn't matter whether they are young loves or people who belong in my age group. I just can't stand the sights of them. I know, that's mean. But I can't help it. I'm just too pathetic.
However, one month and a half earlier was another one of those self-realisation moments that I've started having since I left Unisel. I've finally realized that I am perfectly happy being single. Not to say that I'm deliriously happy and glad to be single, the loneliness is still there, but I'm content. Very content with how my life is going on right now, relationship-wise. I know I may feel the longing, the need to be romanced and pursued, having need to resist the allure of having another soul to understand me, love me, care for me, and cherish me, but I'll stand strong.
Being single, for me, is a freedom. You know what they say about 'you won't appreciate something until it is gone' and in this case for my relationship status. I'm not letting that happen. I value myself for being single. I appreciate it, and so grateful for it. I have more freedom. I can just go about my life without having to constantly clutter myself thinking about my significant other. I'll just take care of myself, and cherish all the friends that I have right now. They are all that I need right now.
I realised that pursuing love is really not my thing. Even as before when I had my readings (tarot), that love will come when I'm not pursuing. Don't chase, just wait and it will come to me. I know that sounds pathetic and full of shit but at this moment, I can see the beautiful side of it. Why fret myself over things that aren't certain when I can just focus myself with my what I have right now. Leaving the past, living in the present and let my future surprise me.
The thing is, I know that I'm a different or you can call a very 'unique' person. So, when you are one, it's quite hard to find another human being that will be able to love me as I am. So, most of the time I would end up alone. But that's fine. As I have been alone all this time, I can just keep on going the way that I am. It really isn't a very big deal. I may be miserable, but that's the road that I have chosen for myself.
So, yeah. I'm happy being single now. I can be myself, act however I wish, and live my life the way I want it. Relationships may hinder a lot of the things that I like to do such a playing console games, blogging, reading books, or just people watching. And who knows, if keep going on this way for a long time, content with my life all this while, I might just die single and alone.