While my life has been rolling down this sloppy mountain and steadily losing momentum, I did not realized that everyone in my whole life are getting ahead. I believe I could phrase it as some sort of a jealousy symptom. Yes, undoubtedly I am beginning to lose interest with the life I am having. I'm not lying when I say I am losing interest of it. Why?
Because of certain aspects in my life right now. First of all, I am dead-stuck work at my auntie's store. Well, working at a convenience store is totally a new experience for me and I have been working for two whole months now. Yes, it is a very laid-back job, no hustle, no bustle, no rush, and definitely no pressure, but those kinds of things made me a much more lazy-ass because most of the time I would spend by surfing the net (Facebook, Twitter, 9gag, and Youtube) or sometimes I would pick up books to read. Recently I bough this 'The Big Bang Theory and Philosopy' by the famous Blackwell Philosopy and Pop Culture Series organization which have been producing a couple of books on the philosophy of a couple of TV Shows, such as South Park, X-Men, Terminator, Alice in Wonderland, and a few more.
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But I've been so caught up with the internet that I continue reading the book only during my travels (in the bus, waiting for the train, at the transit stations, etc.) and I haven't taken some time to focus on reading it. But this just shows that I clearly have so much leisure time that I kept on spending it doing things that don't really help me in my career path decision making.
Second, I am nowhere near in a decisive mode to even determine what shall my future career be. I have no fucking idea what to be. I'm just so indecisive that I kept on changing what I want to be in split seconds. One minute I would be thinking of picking up journalism, and before I know it, I'm thinking of going to try out working in public relations. One moment I'm thinking off pursuing cooking as a pastry chef, and the next I am once more interested in teaching.....ugh.
I am not getting any younger by the years or even static, but time doesn't stop for anyone. I wouldn't want to start my career after I'm already 25 and over. I need to make up my mind and stick with it. But that's just it with me, so indecisive. Although I do believe that I have a reason for my indecisiveness. It is because I'm sort of a Jack-of-all-trades, where I can do a lot of things but never really proficient in one. That's the problem. Because of this belief, my mind thinks that it is impossible for me to be able to focus on one career path. And that sucks.
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And the third reason is that I feel this enormous ball of 'responsibilities' will drop on my shoulder, the moment I started to have a promising career. This is because my mom is a single parent and for all these years, she has been supporting our life with her hard-earned money working from day to late at night. And she's getting older by the years to even take up more time to work. And once I've finally find a job, she might consider quitting, thus leaving me with the only supporting our family. With my brother is still in GMI, furthering his studies, and my sister still in school, I'm the only one in line to start chipping in cash. I know that it is my responsibility as the eldest son, but the pressure of it is too high.
This pressure of chipping in wads of cash once I've started working is even much more worse because of my family conditions. Not my immediate, but my mother's family. Her siblings are simply a bunch of douche who are selfish and hypocrites. I'm not going to get into that much further because it's demeaning to insult your own family in the internet. Right????
There are actually a couple more reasons why I'm starting to lose interest in my life, but this three contributes more towards how I am frustrated mentally. You know how people always wished that their life were easier and need to catch a break? Well, I need a big one.
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Hi Mimie, i understand what you are writing about. I am truly with you. Sometimes you may feel you don't deserve the situation you are in..don't feel this way. Pls check out my older post 'when you find yourself in trouble, my beautiful friend' maybe that will lighten yr misery. I have been in deeper shit than you, even now the sun doesn't seem to shine my way...but i still believe there's hope. I love the Big Bang Theory, everyone is so funny. My fav is Shelton.
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ReplyDeleteDudeee, I feel older reading this post because it says everything about growing up and responsibilities. I think it's a good post though :) anyway, how about you find a job that has all the characteristics of things you like? You mentioned PR, cooking, journalism and teaching, right? Why not become the next Chef Wan? You get to cook, write about your cooking and teach it too.
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